Editor, Commonwealth:
Dateline: Saturday, April 1, 2017, Macau, China
Greetings from across the Pacific!
Last month, I bought my very first lottery ticket, and, wouldn’t you know, I hit the jackpot. So now I’m just writing during the dinner break from a poker tournament at the Venetian — the world’s largest casino.
I’m not exactly sure what day it is back in the Delta, what with the International Date Line and all, but I never miss an online edition of the Commonwealth. They also have “international editions” of most U.S. newspapers and cable TV news feeds over here, but the local media appear to be a few hours ahead.
Since the Commonwealth doesn’t publish on Saturdays, I thought that local readers might enjoy all the good news from yesterday (or today?) that can’t be reported until tomorrow (or yesterday?).
Local News (from China): *%$#^$&@%&^$ %^$# %^$^%%^$ (Translation: “Kim Jong Un evicted. Given 10 days to pack up and leave.”)
State News (from Mississippi): Official banner has been approved by Legislature — “white flag” background with a magnolia tree, Bible, shotgun and pair of dice glued on top.
National News: Ten-year-old Baron Trump given top security clearance and (booster) seat alongside siblings at national intelligence and cabinet meetings.
In a cost-cutting measure, the entire West Wing has moved to Florida, since that’s where everyone has already spent one-third of their time.
International News: Vladimir Putin signs lease on the vacant space to open “branch office.”
Op-Ed: “We were here FIRST! (Or at least most recently).”
Lifestyle and Features: HUUUUGE, “incredible” discounts available on fashion accessories, high-rise buildings, resort/casino comps and national security information!!!!
Happy belated April Fool’s Day!
Mike Stanton
Bellaire, Texas
