Editor, Commonwealth:
Eighty-five percent of the survivors of domestic violence are women who are assaulted by male partners. The other 15 percent are men assaulted by women, or men and women assaulted in a same-sex relationship. An estimated 1.3 million men and women are physically abused each year in the United States.
Every domestic violence situation is different, yet abusers use similar ways to get power and control over their victims. If violence in the relationship has happened more than once, then it is likely to continue. The violence will grow severe over time and will turn into a pattern: 1) built-up tension is present; 2) a trigger is set off; 3) the violent act occurs; 4) a honeymoon period comes; and 5) life is back to normal until tension starts to rebuild in the relationship.
Domestic violence affects all ethnic groups and cultures, regardless of age, income level, faith and education. Women are more likely to be victims of domestic violence, but that doesn’t mean that men cannot be victims of domestic violence. Adolescents can also be involved in abusive relationships. A third to a fourth of adolescents have experienced some form of violence during a relationship. In homes where children witness domestic violence, the batterer can begin to abuse the child. Witnessing domestic violence in the home can bring harmful effects to the child.
Many people on the outside may question why the person who is the victim of domestic violence won’t leave the relationship. When involved in a domestic violence relationship, it is hard to leave, especially if you are isolated from family and friends. Victims may have different feelings regarding the relationship. One minute they want to stay and work on their relationship. The next minute they are confused and do not know what to do.
There are safety tips to implement to keep the victims and their loved ones safe until the decision has been made to leave:
nKnow what causes your abuser to get upset. If you sense trouble is coming, come up with believable reasons to get out of the house.
nKnow the safe areas of the home. Avoid places in the home where space is limited and weapons are available. Get into a room with a door to go outside, a window and a phone.
nBe prepared and get a code word to warn others of what is going on in the home.
nAlways be prepared to leave. Keep your car filled with gas and have the car facing the exit of the driveway. Keep your car door unlocked and hide a spare key inside of the car.
nHave emergency cash, clothing and phone numbers in a safe place. Keep important documents with someone you trust.
nKeep emergency contacts, and contact them when you are in need.
If you decide to stay, get a domestic violence program involved so the abuser can get counseling. Try to reconnect with your support system as much as your abuser will allow. Many abusers monitor their victims’ phone, computer, email, etc. Do not be afraid to ask for help. There are precautions that can be taken to get help.
Use a friend or a public phone to contact a domestic violence program or the police. Turn your smartphone off when not in use since your abuser may have an app installed that is tracking you. Try getting a second cellphone to use to contact someone when you are in need. Try using a public computer when trying to access help online. It may be a red flag to start deleting search history on your private cellphone. Think of difficult passwords for accessing private information.
After you have left the domestic violence relationship, it is important to still be safe. The best way to be safe from your abuser is to relocate. Get an unlisted phone number, use a post office box, apply to the state’s address confidentiality program, and cancel previous bank accounts and credit cards.
If you decide to stay in the same area, change up locations. Consider getting a restraining order on your abuser. If the abuser violates the restraining order, report the violation to the authorities.
A way to recover from the trauma of domestic violence is to seek counseling.
Felicia Cook
Itta Bena
