The following conversation between God and the archangel, Michael, was overheard last Sunday night. (God’s voice is in italics.)
Lord, I can’t believe you turned your back on Tebow!
Huh?
You were doing such a great job with the Broncos this year. It looked like they might go all the way. Ole Tebow was showin’ everybody that it pays to pray and now look what’s happened!
What in the world are you talking about, Mike?
NFL football. The Denver Broncos. Tim Tebow. The Super Bowl! Where have you been?
Everywhere. But seriously, Mike, I’ve been a little distracted by Afghanistan, Haiti, the economy, and a few other things, PLUS I haven’t figured out how to use my DVR, so I haven’t gotten to watch much football lately.
No offense, Lord …
Ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho! “No offense!” I thought we were talking about the Broncos, not LSU!
Real funny, God. Sometimes I think you got your sense of humor from George Carlin.
No, Mikey. George got his from me!
Whatever. Anyway, I just thought you’d been right in the middle of all this Tebow stuff.
What do you mean?
I mean that since Tim Tebow was praying to complete passes and win games all the time, and that since he actually was completing passes and winning games, I thought you were makin’ all that happen for him. We were getting some great PR out of all that, then you go and let the Broncos lose!
The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike, Mike.
I hate it when you quote yourself.
Sometimes you amaze me!
Aw, shucks, Lord. You know I don’t take any of the credit. You’re the one who made me this way.
Don’t blame me for that! I made you smart and wise, but ever since you got hooked on ESPN you’ve gotten as dumb as a post.
Gee, Lord. You don’t have to be so mean. I just thought…
You just thought what? That I fixed the games for Timmy? I haven’t rigged a play since the Immaculate Reception back in ’72, which, by the way, was a mistake. Terry Bradshaw didn’t need an ego boost. No, I’ve got no business messing with football or any other sport for that matter.
But Tebow prayed to you all the time — in front of the whole world — and the Broncos were winning! Don’t tell me that was just coincidence.
Okay. It wasn’t just coincidence. But it wasn’t divine intervention either. I don’t stick my nose in the games. Those boys worked their tails off and pushed themselves to the limit. That’s why they were winning — that and a little luck here and there. And while Timmy’s conversations with me are private, I can tell you that he doesn’t pray that he’ll win a game or complete a pass. Quit doing that in the sixth grade. Timmy prays to be focused, to be at his best, and for the welfare of every player on the field. And he prays that way in private, too. While I’d just as soon he do less of the public display, I have to commend him for being consistent. He’s the real deal.
So you don’t respond to people praying to win games or make big plays?
Nope. Sure don’t. Every team’s got somebody prayin’ to win, and I won’t play favorites.
So they may as well be whistlin’ Dixie.
Yep. Everywhere except at Ole Miss. Can’t whistle Dixie at Ole Miss.
Well, I never thought I’d hear you say a prayer was wasted.
Didn’t say that. The prayers aren’t wasted. The folks praying are trying to follow my will and I do like hearing from them. But they don’t understand how I work. I don’t manipulate things like that. If I made the Broncos win, that would mean that I also made the Patriots lose. It’s no different from when people pray to be saved in a disaster. Tornadoes happen. If I moved it to save one family then I’d be putting another family right in its path. Sometimes I’ll hear people who have had a close call say, “The Lord was with us.” Yes, I was. But I was also with the person down the street who didn’t make it. Bad things happen to good people. I don’t make it happen. It just does. I thought you knew that, Mike.
Guess I forgot. Too much ESPN. So you didn’t know if Tebow was gonna win or lose?
Didn’t wanna know. It would’ve spoiled the game for me.
And you really don’t decide who wins and loses?
Nope. Besides, you really don’t want me picking teams!
Why not?
I picked Curtis Painter and Chad Ochocinco for my fantasy football team this year — two guys who may have had their worst seasons on record.
’Nuff said, Lord.
But just between you and me, Mike, I am partial to the Saints. I almost cried when the 49ers scored that last touchdown Saturday. Then I remembered that Eli was still in the hunt.
But Eli’s a Giant, not a Saint!
No, he’s not...but his daddy was. “Eliiiiii’s cominnnnnn’!”
