There’s a sign in Off Square Books in Oxford that reads “Bargain Religion/Philosophy.”
Of course I know it’s advertising on-sale books, but I couldn’t help my mind’s wandering and wondering, “What would bargain religion and philosophy look like?” Here’s a smattering of possibilities, in alphabetical order: (Proceed with caution! Do not read further if you cannot laugh at yourself or tolerate a good-natured jab at religion and philosophy!)
nAtheism. Not only do you not believe in God, but now you no longer have to believe in not believing in God. It’s also okay to sing “God Bless America” as long as you replace the “G” in “God” with another letter such as “Z,” as in, “Zod Bless America.” (for all you Superman fans)
nBuddhism. There are still Four Noble Truths, but you only have to accept two of them. Which two? It’s up to you!
nChristianity. Since Christianity is the dominate religion in our culture it deserves to be subdivided.
nCatholicism. Cardinal sins are only cardinal when done by or with an actual cardinal. Confession is still confession, but there are regular discounts on penance that parallel the sales at Macy’s.
nProtestantism. Dancing, smoking and drinking are allowed as long as they are not done at the same time, nor with any joy. Baptists are allowed to speak to each other at the liquor store.
nFundamentalism. Hell is 10 degrees cooler. If you did not enjoy the sin(s) that sent you there, you get a fireproof funeral home fan. If you did enjoy it and admit it, you get to spend eternal damnation with the Episcopalians who are there.
nExistentialism. The primary philosophy is now based on the profound words once uttered by the great thinker, Popeye: “I yam what I yam.”
nHinduism. It’s okay to eat cows that used to be someone’s relative as long as they were not YOUR relative. Women get to choose the color of their bindis to better coordinate with their outfits. Bindis may also be flashing lights.
nIdealism. Followers of idealism may now settle for “pretty good.”
nIslam. No longer have to face Mecca when praying. Any city that starts with an “M” will do as long as you pray to a famous person from the city. For example, when facing Memphis one would pray to Elvis – but what’s new about that?
nJudaism. Remember the Ten Commandments? You only have to follow five of them. Any five. The Wailing Wall has been renamed “The Sniffling Wall.” Circumcision is optional.
nMormonism. Missionaries may now wear colored shirts, but no plaid. Alcoholic drinks are permitted as long as there is no caffeine in them.
nPragmatism. Pragmatists may live like Epicureans on weekends. Their justification? “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
nScientology. Seeing a movie with Tom Cruise in it counts as going to church.
nUnitarian-Universalism. Whatever.
nWiccan. Brooms should now be hybrids so as not to further contribute to the warming of Mother Earth. Elizabeth Montgomery is known as St. Samantha. Harry Potter is eligible for sainthood, as is David Copperfield.
nRastafarianism. Marijuana is still used in religious ceremonies. And marijuana is still used in religious ceremonies. Oh, yeah – and Cheetos and Ding Dongs, too! Did I mention that marijuana is still used in religious ceremonies?
Of course no religion or philosophy worth following is truly a bargain. They all call for commitment and sacrifice. If the spiritual path one follows is consistently easy, then something is probably wrong. But if your path is sometimes difficult, often challenging, and if devotion to that way makes you a better person and the world a better place, then that’s the bargain!
- Randy Weeks is an ordained minister and a Licensed Professional Counselor. He lives in Oxford with his wife, Dr. Jeannie Falkner.
