What do you think the key to romance is in a marriage?
Is it remembering the big dates, such as anniversaries or birthdays and commemorating them with special gifts and dinners?
Or perhaps a weekend getaway to the beach or a big city? Or, is it doing the laundry for your wife when she asks you to?
Let’s look at what marriage researcher John Gottman says to figure out.
In the past four columns, we looked at different methods of communication within a marriage that Gottman claims can be predictive of divorce. Today, I want to begin looking at positive things that couples can do to enrich their relationships. After all, while it’s helpful to know what not to do, we also have to know the things that are indicative of positive relationships so that we can put those into practice.
One of the most basic — and yet pivotal — practices that indicates a health relationship is what Gottman calls “turning toward.” When couples turn toward each other, they make daily decisions to connect and show each other that they are attuned to the seemingly every day experiences of their spouse’s life. Gottman states that turning toward is how you show your spouse that he or she is valued in the day-to-day grind of life and marriage.
So what exactly does turning toward look like? What exactly are these small moments of connection that shows a spouse that a partner is attuned to his or her spouse’s life?
It could be a husband running by the grocery store on the way home from work for his wife, who forgot something for dinner. Or perhaps, it’s a wife making her husband one of his favorite meals after a stressful week of work. It can be as simple as putting down your phone when your spouse talks to you, giving them your attention rather than a screen.
Turning toward is when you accept those bids for connection that your spouse makes. Sometimes they are easy to accept, and sometimes they are not.
What we do know is that these seemingly small, everyday moments matter a lot. In this book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Gottman writes, “The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mundane moments are, not only to your marriage’s stability, but to its ongoing sense of romance.”
So if you thought that the key to romance was gifts, anniversary dinners or weekend getaways, sorry, but that is wrong.
Instead, the key to romance is building up moments of turning toward each other and showing your spouse that you prioritize him or her more than other things. We do that by taking out the trash when our partners ask us to, or asking our partners how their day was and truly listening, or any other way to show our spouses that we are aware of their day-to-day needs and want to help meet them.
Again, Gottman writes, “Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation. But the real secret is to turn toward each other in little ways every day. A romantic night out really turns up the heat only when a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways.”
Regardless of the state of your relationship, turning toward is important. If you are in a happy committed relationship, chances are that you do this already without having a name for what to call it. If this is you, keep on doing this, knowing that it’s the basis of your love and romance.
If you are in a relationship that seems to be growing staler, take this as an opportunity to readjust how you approach your marriage. Focus on tuning into those everyday moments you share with your spouse, as those will pay bigger dividends in the long run than you have ever thought.
• Mischa McCray is a licensed professional counselor and a licensed marriage and family therapist. Send questions or topics you’d like him to discuss to mmccray@wpcgreenwood.org.
