Nearly every time I’ve worked with a couple, they’ve listed communication as one of the primary reasons that they decided to seek therapy. This fact was emphasized to me when a man at my church told me that if I didn’t think that every couple needed work on communication, then I wasn’t worth anything as a therapist.
While I’m not going to tell you that communication doesn’t matter, there are certain things that I think couples tend to overemphasize. Perhaps the biggest of these things is the idea of resolution.
What does resolution really look like in a healthy marriage?
I hear couples tell me all the time that they “never fix their problems” or that “we argue about the same things over and over again and never resolve it.” While this is surely frustrating, it follows the statistics we know about marriage.
In his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” marriage researcher John Gottman writes that 69% of marital conflicts will be what he calls “perpetual problems,” or problems that couples won’t resolve because their disagreements come down to differences in fundamental beliefs that each spouse has. For example, a common perpetual problem is housework and cleaning. Often times in a marriage (but not always), the wife is the person who is pushing to keep the house more orderly. She might complain that her husband is a slob or that he doesn’t do his fair share of the household chores. The husband is more content with things not being “perfect” around the house and doesn’t get bothered when a couple of things are out of place, but he gets frustrated that his wife is always nagging him about picking something up or cleaning something.
So what do happily married couples do with these perpetual problems? Well, it’s not that they solved these issues; after all, they wouldn’t be perpetual if they had a solution. Instead, these couples are able to understand that problems are a part of a relationship, and they don’t demonize their spouses for their differences. They see the different choices that their spouses make as amusing or an oddity. They communicate about their frustrations regarding the problem, and even though they might blow up or say hurtful things in their anger, they don’t allow their differences to change the way that they view their partners. Namely, they don’t begin to describe their spouses as being defective or having character flaws. They see the difference as sometimes annoying but also sometimes humorous, and they maintain a sense of fondness and admiration for their spouses. These couples are able to stay out of feeling like they come to an impasse or gridlock from their differences because they understand why their spouses think differently than they do about the issue, and they respect their thoughts, even if they disagree.
Couples who are unhappily married also have perpetual problems, but they enter into gridlock. They begin to feel frustrated, misunderstood, rejected or even resentful toward their partners and lose their ability to understand their spouses’ differences. When they are no longer able to treat their spouses’ differences with respect, they begin to exhibit contempt toward their partners, eroding their sense of connection and friendship.
Both happily married and unhappily married couples talk about perpetual problems over and over. They both, at times, think that they are spinning their wheels over the issue and not making headway. The difference is that happily married couples maintain a sense of respect for their partners and are able to see their differences as an amusing oddity that is just a part of living life with someone else. Unhappily married couples allow their differences to change the way that they think about their spouses for the worse.
If you struggle with perpetual problems, work on understanding the core difference between you and your partner and respecting their differences even if you disagree with them. Treat them with respect the way you would a friend or coworker and try to slowly rebuild your sense of friendship.
• Mischa McCray is a licensed professional counselor and a licensed marriage and family therapist. Send questions or topics you’d like him to discuss to mmccray@wpcgreenwood.org.
