Have you ever seen a couple get into an argument in public?
We tend to get fixated when we see people arguing, as our attention is held sway by the escalating conflict. Why else do shows such as “Jerry Springer” or any of the current reality TV shows exist — I’m looking at you, “The Bachelor” and all of the “Real Housewives of (fill in the blank city).”
It’s because we love to watch people argue. While much of that drama is made-for-TV, do you ever wonder what happened to the couple that got in a really loud argument at the restaurant that one time?
I can remember watching this actually play out in person earlier this year. I was on a tour bus while on vacation, and we had been traveling all day. Each stop, our tour guide would give us a time limit. “Be back in 10 minutes, please,” was a very common refrain.
Toward the end of our tour, we stopped for one last bathroom break. Our tour guide always did a quick check to make sure that everyone was back on the bus before leaving. After the 10 minutes had ended, he checked to see if everyone was back on the bus. An elderly couple had been sitting directly in front of me, and the wife had not yet returned. Her husband quickly apologized to the tour guide and began calling her repeatedly. As the group waited, he became more and more apologetic. After about five minutes, his wife came out to the bus and sat down beside him, which was right in front of me. I could tell that he was frustrated with her. She, however, had no idea. When she sat down, he made a snide comment to her about her tardiness out loud so that all of us heard it.
A look of hurt came across the wife’s face, but it quickly turned to anger. The husband immediately could tell that he had messed up and tried to back out of it by joking around, but his wife was not having any of it. She turned her head away from him and repositioned her body so that she was as far away from him as she could possibly be while still sitting on the same row.
The husband gave her a couple minutes to cool down before he reached over to pat her on the back. She rebuffed this, swiping his hand away from her shoulder. He leaned in and told her, “I love you,” to which she gave him a cold stare, and then turned back away. Finally, he apologized for his statement. She lessened her hardened stance when he said that he was sorry, but a coolness remained between them for a while.
What was going on between this couple is something that happens in pretty much every relationship: someone had their feelings hurt because of the actions of their spouse.
So what was I, a marriage and family therapist, looking for as I watched them interact? I wanted to see how the wife responded to what are called “repair attempts,” which were the husband’s apologies. A healthy relationship isn’t marked by how infrequently each spouse aggravates the other. Rather, the sign of a healthy relationship is how a couple repairs from those aggravations.
So what exactly is a repair attempt? Well, it is anything that deescalates the building tension that arises during an argument. It can be an apology, a joke, a hug — anything that relieves the negativity and allows each partner to avoid entering into defensiveness or criticism.
There are two key parts to a successful repair attempt. The first is obvious — one partner must initiate the repair attempt. The second part is that the repair attempt must be received by the other partner.
Research shows that the biggest difference between a healthy marriage and one that is likely headed for divorce is not the number of repair attempts sent but rather the number received. This is because in most relationships spouses send repair attempts. Those repair attempts are rejected in relationships that are in distress. In healthy relationships, the repair attempts are received, allowing the couple to calm down and address their conflict.
In the example of the couple on the tour bus, we can see the husband initiate several repair attempts. He tried a variety of methods to repair — humor, physical touch, telling his wife he loved her and apologizing. What struck me was how the wife turned those repairs down. She was so wounded by her husband’s comment that she struggled to accept his repairs.
So what can you do to use this information to improve your relationship? First, continue to initiate repair attempts, as they are essential to all relationships. Second, and more importantly, work on trying to receive as many repair attempts from your spouse as possible. Notice what causes you to reject your spouse’s repair attempts. Maybe it is because you don’t think that their repair attempt is serious enough or sincere. Or, maybe it’s because you are bitter and don’t want to forgive them.
Recognize that to move forward in your relationship. You will have to work on increasing the amount of repair attempts that you receive.
• Mischa McCray is a licensed professional counselor and a licensed marriage and family therapist. Send questions or topics you’d like him to discuss to mmccray@wpcgreenwood.org.
