GREENVILLE - In this "me first, I want to be paid right now" world, we are raising some mighty selfish offspring.
Children are in such a rush to be heard that they are not listening to what their parents or grandmas have to say. I remember when "no" meant exactly that. Now children respond by questioning their parents, "Why?"
This is not the first time I have been down this road. But now the peregrination has a greater sense of urgency to it.
There is a perception that children are running out of control, and parents appear to be helpless to do anything about it. The recent spate of violence at two Southern California high schools is a sad indication of the lawlessness and disdain for adult authority held by America's adolescence.
To get a better handle on parenting, I asked one young Gulfport mother about her approach to rearing children.
"When children don't have discipline and respect," said Ellen Wagner, 29, the mother of three young children, "they will be out of control when they get older.
"Discipline is important, because children cannot raise themselves," she added.
My parents dispensed a lot of "tough love" and proudly admitted that their humble abode was an autocracy. It was their way or the highway.
Like most children, I broke, bent or ignored some house rules, and I was paddled for it. Looking back many years later, every licking that was meted out by my parents was richly deserved. And I do not feel brutalized at all. Quite normal and well-adjusted, if you ask me.
My parents' approach to child rearing would probably land them in jail - and their son in a foster home - judging by today's sugar-coated, saccharin-laced, "I'm OK; you're OK" attitude.
The "time out" philosophy of child-rearing is not enough, because children want and need strict discipline.
Don't get the idea that I lived in a gulag or something. I had rights and privileges under my parents' roof.
They lovingly provided three nutritious meals every day, laundry service, the opportunity to gain a college education and the benefits of their spiritual wisdom - human guideposts, which continue to direct me today.
While I am an adherent to the biblical "spare the rod, spoil the child" dictum, a lot of today's "New Jack City" parents do not share that view.
Since I am not a parent, maybe I am missing something on this most delicate of all human enterprises. So I asked my former colleague at The Sun Herald, Dan Duffey, now the Catawba, N.C., bureau chief for The Charlotte Observer, for his philosophy on the inexact science of child rearing.
Duffey said that in his household, parents have the last word, but his children get to present their case.
"I give my kids some free rein," Duffey said from North Carolina. "The important thing is that the children know we love them."
The key ingredient in the parent-child mix, Duffey said, is that kids tend to rebel if they feel unloved.
But Duffey said he places a high premium on discipline.
"When the children were young, we did spank," he said, "but we haven't spanked them in years. Not that our children are angels, mind you, but they're generally good kids."
Child-development specialist Cheryl E. Mueller has vivid memories of having to select her own "switch" when her parents spanked her. Today, Mueller believes that spanking is not the solution to discipline problems.
"I am always talking about alternatives to spanking because we are a society of corporal punishers," said Mueller, director of the Center for Child Development at the University of Southern Mississippi in Hattiesburg.
Mueller, who also teaches a parenting class, said there is overt aggression involved when parents spank, because they are angry when they do it.
"We need to explain to children what is expected," she said. "Children need to hear reasons for an action. This is not coddling."
The problem, as Mueller sees it, is that children often imitate adult behavior. "We tell a child not to hit; then we hit them," she said. "You must remember that children often do things out of fear of punishment."
It's a parental dichotomy that can be harmful to children over time, she said.
Mueller advises her students to carefully listen to their children, and open lines of communication "because children don't come with instruction booklets."
I understand perfectly what Mueller and Duffey are saying about child-rearing. Just call me an old-fashioned kind of guy.
Discipline and respect are building blocks I strongly believe in. These are important qualities I see missing in some of today's youth.
Yes, I received tough love as a youngster. And today I appreciate how delicate that balance is. Toughness without love is cruel, but love without toughness is equally damaging.
Sadly, many parents never try to achieve that balance, and they and their children will never experience its rewards.
